For the first time
in over 5 years I wonder
how it might’ve been if
it had worked out She didn’t kill herself
two weeks after we agreed
I’ll take the kids all week
and she, the weekends what if
she might’ve flourished painting
making more and more paintings
and Dave, who was selling her paintings
for a cut of the money was successful
in selling her paintings and she lived
and painted and took the kids on the weekends
What if it didn’t take her death to make me
more than a part time dad what if I was not forced
by circumstance to accept my responsibilities
but rather came to them willingly without drowning
in alcohol first without my life requiring of me
something I’d given up on having taken the mantle
not only out of necessity but also out of volition?
The thing is I wished she would’ve stayed and painted
I wish she could be there in June when Zaya graduates
I wish I would’ve done something to keep her here
for the kids without punishing her for our failures
without condemning her for the divorce
which was just as much mine as hers
Steve Henn wrote Indiana Noble Sad Man of the Year (Wolfson 2017) and two previous collections from NYQBooks. He’s been a finalist for the Rattle Poetry Prize and he read a poem as a special guest poet at Divedapper Festival 2018. He teaches high school in Warsaw, IN.